You Might As Well Skip Lavalife When...

There was a Seinfeld episode where Elaine breaks up with a man she's dating because he failed to use an exclamation mark in a note relaying a phone message about the birth of her friend's baby. I, myself am prone to overreactions at the flagrant misuse of grammar and have been known to apologize for a date's inability to spell common words before apologizing for his inability to be respectful and caring. However, I have never actually broken up with someone over punctuation.

I have, though, been guilty of breaking up with people over ridiculous reasons. Purely for your enjoyment (and not your psychoanalysis, thank you very much), here is a list of five boys (names have been changed) and the arbitrary reasons why I elected to discontinue the "relationship" (using a variety of break up strategies about which I have previously written).

1. Chet, from Ottawa, was driving us downtown and failed to stop behind a streetcar that was letting passengers off, eliciting a loud streetcar honk and several angry faces as we whizzed by. I know, I know - he was from Ottawa, but we're not talking rational explanations here. Someone could have died.

2. Another time, when I was gesturing to the lake with my arm (we were romantically strolling along the beach), Pablo reached up and took my hand so that we were posed in an awkward hand-holding arrangement. I brought our linked hands down, casually extricated myself, and promptly implemented the phone-call fade away strategy.

3. Boris's bald head would not stop sweating for the entirety of the date and he actually had to go and wash it twice.

4. Bobby thought it appropriate to stick his finger in my mouth whilst I was mid-yawn for a second time, even after I had previously requested that he not place his digits in that vicinity (in quite a nasty manner, I might add).

5. Randy, a recycled high school boy, showed potential until he asked for change (and I'm talking the silver kind) after we split the bill at dinner.

And one wonders why I'm still single...