The Break Up

For 20 euros (about $30), a German “separation agency” will phone your spouse/partner/lover to tell them that you no longer want to be with them. For 50 euros ($70), they’ll do it in person.

Oh, man! This is the get-out-of-relationship-free card that Jerry Seinfeld advocated in his stand up routine! How nice would it be to finish with a failing relationship in one easy motion (like a band-aid – right off!). There could be no long, drawn out conversations about where you went wrong, no forced falsehoods about how it’s not you, it’s me (it’s totally you), and no awkward explanations about why you stopped liking someone because of the way they punctuated a phone message (ah, Elaine…). For the price of a good bottle of wine, you can be free of the guilt and uncomfortable atmosphere that a break-up conversation evokes.

But really, do we need to pay for this? Surely there are cheaper ways to split from a partner. However each break-up method has its social rules…

PHONE-CALL FADE-AWAY

Involves, rather simply, just not calling someone back. Easy, low-stress and should be picked up easily by the undesired partner. Perfectly acceptable in the first month of dating. If being let go by this method, you are allowed one (1) phonecall after the first unreturned phonecall (to allow for undelivered messages etc.). After that any contact within a 6 month period is unacceptable.

TEXT MESSAGE OR E-MAIL EXPLANATION

Not really cool unless the partner you are trying to dump is proving hard to shake. If he or she doesn’t get your subtle hints (see PHONE-CALL FADE-AWAY), perhaps a written explanation in the “it’s not you, it’s me” genre is required. Do not attempt this method of separation if you’ve been together for several months (see FACE-TO-FACE).

FACE-TO-FACE

Required if you’ve been dating regularly for two months or more. Should be done in a public place that offers some privacy so that a) dumpee can’t go mental on you and, b) dumpee crying won’t cause a scene. Not acceptable on Valentine’s Day, dumpee’s birthday or any major religious holiday. Amount of time acceptable to spend discussing the relationship and where you went wrong can be found by taking the number of months spent together, multiplying by 20, then converting that number into minutes.

And of course, never forget the formula that Charlotte from Sex and the City employed after a break up: it should take exactly half the time you spent in the relationship to get over the person that dumped you. (This, of course, is only applicable to women. The men’s formula for time spent getting over someone is a quarter of the time spent in the relationship.)

Phew. When did this get all so complicated? Maybe the German company is onto something…